From time to time, I jump on the radio talk about being a step-mum. It might not sound like a big deal, but over the years, I’ve learned to brace for a lot of criticism.
You see, I think when people hear the term step-parent it brings to mind a lot of unpalatable words. Words like divorce, affair, custody and living arrangements.
Not to mention the nasty depictions of step-parents we are all familiar with. The “evil”, “ugly” and always female characters of the world’s most famous fairy tales.
Step-parenting is such a minefield, that journalist, mum, and step mum, Karalee Katsambanis, has filled an entire book on the topic.
A lot’s been said about the vile, sexualised social media messages female broadcasters receive from viewers and listeners. Thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with the scale of threatening and stomach-churning examples shared by Leigh Sales and Erin Molan, and I hope I never have to.
Instead, the messages which keep me up at night are the ones I receive around step-parenting and its challenges. When the topic comes up, I love to share my experiences as a stepparent, just as enthusiastically as you might expect any mum to.
But there are two main areas of criticism I receive every time I speak publicly about being a step-mum. 1, that I talk too much about my stepson. And 2, that I should just call him “my son” and not, like I just did: “my step-son”.
To the first I say, “guilty”.
I’ve never met a parent on radio who hasn’t been accused of talking about their kids too much. If you have them, think about how much you talk about your own kids. They’re a big part of your life, infiltrate every aspect of it and to be frank you bloody well love them to bits, so its human nature to talk about them all the time.
I make no apologies and I’m prepared to cop the criticism.
But the second one - that I really ought not to say “my stepson” has ear-wormed its way into my head over the years.
Consistently people feel the need to message the station, or me directly to say I should do things differently.
One woman even told me it sounds like I don’t love him, and it’ll give him a complex one day. It led me to try out calling him “my son” for a bit.
I quickly remembered however, the very first piece of advice my then boyfriend gave me when I met his 8-year-old son for the first time.
“Don’t try to be his mum. He already has one.”
He already has a mum. I know that if I’d had kids and my ex’s new wife took to calling them “hers” I’d feel forgotten.
I’ve never asked a male broadcaster who’s also a stepdad if he gets the same thing, so I don’t really know if it’s a gendered response. I do think there’s a stigma around stepmothers though.
Karalee and I are part of blended families. It’s not an expression you hear every day, and you might have never even heard it at all. But across Australia there are 600,000 other families, like ours, that are blended.
Next time you hear the term stepparent. Focus on the obvious love a person like me has for her stepchild, the team-work required by multiple parents (in our case 3) it took to raise him and not on how or why our stepfamily came to be.
And, hey, if you are near a radio on the weekends, tune in to Weekend Brunch on 6PR from 9am.